In search of a Patronus

I guess the concept of a patronus was always there. Long before Mrs. Rowling brought it to our notice through the silver hued embodiments of imaginary beasts that drove dementors away.

Unknowingly, I have used such happy thoughts at different times to battle the pangs of loneliness and the overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

Remember Ellis Redding in Shawshank Redemption talking about how some birds are never meant to be caged because their feathers are too bright? I used to say those lines over and over again to myself to get out of a wretched mood every now and then while I was holed up in Mathura during those two lost years of my life. Those two years that did more harm to me than the four years in Pilani could do good. The visions of a free soul driving down the freeway with the glistening Pacific on one side and the mountains on another always came back to my mind as I kept reminding myself, Hope is a good thing.  I could remember those days back in high school when Tuition classes gave over late in the evening and a group of 4 guys stopped at a road-side chaat shack for some hot fried stuff before heading home on their rickety bicycles. It brought back the innocence and the will to struggle to achieve all that we dreamt of.

But its too far off now, time has blurred the memory, its not strong enough be the Patronus. I am still looking for something, something that makes life a little more colourful, something that hides the grey, even if its for a few weeks or months.

As Khaled Hosseni put it while describing the happy memory that almost saved Amir’s life (while being transported from Jalalabad to Peshawar in a gasoline tank),

I didn’t remember what month that was or what year even. I only knew the memory lived in me, a perfectly encapsulated morsel of a good past, a brushstroke of colour on the gray barren canvas that our lives had become.

I am still searching for that morsel of the good times which would take me through the darkness that encircles me now. The Patronus continues to be elusive.

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~ by psycho on August 31, 2009.

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