One more Durga Pujo, One more year blown away

As is evident from the to heading I am not too happy about the fact that it has been 7 years since I went home for Pujo and 8, since I went pandal hopping. One of the reasons I did not leave India was because I wanted to stay close to home. But after some casual discussions with friends who have been to US and back, I seem to have gone home much less than even those who decided to take the plunge,  studied and got back!

When  I look back on those years, the usual mix of some nice and some not-so-nice memories come back to me. I seem to have never struggled against what time had in store for me. After escaping from Pilani to get home for my first Pujo while at college, I didn’t see a point in running home for a Pujo. The next three were spent in Pilani, each one enriching the tradition of Pilani Pujo.

Then came Mathura, but this time I ran off to Pilani to spend time with my friends there instead of staying back for the Pujo at Mathura. But then, I had joined my office at Mathura 3 days before the beginning of the Durga Pujo and I hardly knew anyone at Mathura. The second year at Mathura as a little more eventful with my Grandparents coming over to spend a day with me. Though the last day was marred by an AIMCAT (yeah, I was fighting to get into a decent B School at that time).

The first year at IIMB went off quickly with the exception of terribly frustrating stretches which keep coming back at alarming frequencies even today. And now I sit in front of the computer two and a half hours and a plate of cheese maggi into Maha Ashtami. I shall get up tomorrow morning, bathe and dress in a white kurta and become a part of a group which shall got to some pandal for the customary flower throwing exercise followed by ruthless gluttony at some restaurant. Hopefully, I shall be able to put aside my love-hate relationship with God and do what needs to be done.

Somewhere, the will to do things on my own seems to have vanished. I am only going with the flow without anything really coming out of it. There is something about me I have hated for a long time, but I cannot put a finger on it any more. Its so deeply integrated in me, the hatred for that one thing becomes a hatred for my existence. It is true that I am my harshest critic but now it might even be appropriate to say that I am probably too harsh with myself, maybe I am wasting my time on me. Maybe, I am beyond repair now and the rest of the road looks totally downhill. But the nice thing is, I am not seeking solace in running home, I am trying to stand my ground and fight my battles. The result, of the battle might be unknown, but irrespective of whether I win or lose, I will not leave the field and run off… not just yet.

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~ by psycho on September 26, 2009.